LOST: Oooomph. Hefty reward will be given for it's safe return.

Death race 2011 is a mere 8 days away. Everyone I've spoken with is "Feeling great" and "Totally ready for it" and "Super excited".

Me?

I'm fucking tired.

I'm tired of running.
Running used to be an activity I did because I liked it. It was my "me" time. It was my stress relief. It was my therapy.

Now? It's a chore. Something I HAVE to do. Instead of running wherever the wind takes me, I'm setting up routes that coincide with the distance I need to run, the elevation changes I need for training, I'm constantly looking down at my garmin to see my pace, distance, heart rate...

Last night I set out for 6 miles. I just HAD to do 6 miles. I ran 6 miles on Sunday and it was the worst run of my life so I needed to do better this time. I needed to show myself that I could for the sake of restoring some confidence.

I made it 3.1.

I feel as if the more I train the worse I get.

I got home. I got in the shower and just about lost it. The only thing that kept me from having a complete ugly-cry breakdown was knowing that the boys were coming over to watch the Miami Heat game and eat dinner. I can't let them see me break.

Running is as much mental as it is physical.

I'm to the point where I'm willing to whore my brain out for a good mental mind fuck, because I don't know what else to do.

I'm tired of running.
I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired of bugs in my eyes and up my nose and getting stuck in my chap stick.
I'm tired of the inside of my thighs feeling tender and chappy.
I'm tired of vomiting up everything I put in my mouth.
I'm tired of my feet bones hurting.
I'm tired of walking around like I've just been fucked by a 2x4.
I'm tired of ball sweat.
I'm tired of everything sweat.
I'm tired of lugging this thick, curvy, chubby, lady body all around town.
I'm tired of every decision I make in regards to food or beverage being a conscious one that revolves around running.
I'm tired of spending money on things like reflective vests, compression socks and anti chaff cream.
I'm tired of never having the time or energy to get laid.
I'm tired of traffic.
I'm tired of drinking fucked up drinks to help my performance or restore my body.
I'm tired of TALKING ABOUT RUNNING.

I'm at my breaking point. I've lost my oomph. I want to quit.

Hopefully writing all of this down and getting it all out will help me in some way because in 8 days I've got some pretty damn amazing people who are willing to make the journey to Park City just to support little old me, in what hopefully is one huge mother fucking accomplishment.