The worst 4 letter word of all time? Diet.

I'm going crazy balls here people.
I'm pms-ing, stabby and more importantly HUNGRY.

Last night, while doped up on a 1/4 of an ambien I set my alarm for 5:45am so that I could wake up to run. It was 11:30 and the odds of me waking up at 5:45am after a brief 6 hours of sleep in real land, NOT ambien land, are really, slim to none. I don't know what I was thinking.

I didn't sleep well the night before so I had a lot of sleep to make up for.

This morning my alarm went off at 5:45. The ambien had slightly worn off.
I was all:

"Who the fuck set my alarm for 5:45!?
I don't have to wake up right now....
It's saturday, right?
No.... It's wednesday...
Still, why the hell....
Wait.... I set my alarm.... Last night.... and I vaguely remember vowing to myself and the husband that I was getting up to run because I made the most awesome burgers and home made fries EVER last night and what goes better with an awesome burger and home made fries than FRY SAUCE AND BEER?! Nothing! So of course I had to indulge in mass amounts of AWESOME."

"This bed is mass amounts of AWESOME"

"You really should get up and run, you fat ass. You haven't done shit all week and the chances of you being in a bikini this weekend are slightly elevated and you really don't want to scare people off."

"Oh, and you're having pictures done with the husband soon. WHY!? Because the last pictures you've done to capture your lives together were for YOUR WEDDING.... and it's been 5 years, 2 dogs, a cat and 30 pounds later, and why NOT capture the joys of comfortable, slack-tastic, marital bliss?!"

"This bed is slack-tastic marital bliss...."

"But now you need to work your ASS off so that you're NOT that comfortable, fat, married couple that no matter your achievements, if you're fat, you've failed."

Thanks a lot society, thanks a fucking lot.

Regardless, I didn't get up to run this morning.

I got to work and told myself that I was going to be a "good girl" today due to my lack of cardio this morning.

My self-pep talk went like this:

"Breakfast will be a sugar free packet of oatmeal. Lunch will be your bag of salad. A snack will be your jello pack and then it's off to the gym for weight lifting, running and then you're going to your softball game. Dinner will be lean protein and vegis. You'll be skinny before you know it!"

After the first 15 minutes I had eaten a ball of cookie dough.

Then my coffee.

Then a wheat thins flat bread cracker.

THEN what was left of a box of Parmesan garlic triscut thin crisps.

THEN I licked the salty Parmesany, garlicky goodness of the inside of said box.

THEN I was eating a co-workers strawberry cream cheese out of the container with my FINGER.

THEN a handful of hint of lime tortilla chips.

NOW!? I'm eating my bag of salad in a hellbent effort to cancel out all of my previous bad decisions!

However, instead of lean protein and vegis for dinner, I've already established that I'm making the concessions cart at the softball game my bitch for dinner.

Hello hot dogs, nachos and beer.
Goodbye bikini ready body.