Elbows deep in glitter.

We get between 1 and 14 Christmas cards a day delivered to our office. Other Title companies, Lenders, Agents, Brokers and our other affiliates send out gorgeous, uppity, pricey Christmas Cards that look like they should be scented and have little squares of tissue inside.


We don't.


We do something uber cool. We hire out 1st-4th graders to produce our Christmas Cards in mass quantities for no pay. It's like our own little Christmas card sweatshop. These small children endure long hours and suffer many-a-paper cuts. That is, until they get to go to recess and play 4-square and share fruit roll ups. Which totally sounds awesome. I don't know why we don't incorporate recess into every day, grown up shit.





"Dude, I'd totally like to tell you why you haven't received your commission check yet, But the bell just rang and Tommy's got that crazy look in his eye like he's gonna dish out one mean round of tether ball and I've got some 7-11 nachos and a 6-pack on the line sayin' I can beat him. I'll call you back in 30 minutes"





Heaven on earth, I tell you. Heaven on earth.





This year the children that produced our Christmas cards must have bathed in glue for 2 straight days and had a very strange, unlimited supply of loose glitter. Kind of creeps me out. Some of the cards STUCK TO OUR CLOSING TABLE AND HAD TO BE CHISELED OFF WITH SCISSORS. True story.



I'm genuinely concerned that one of our clients will open their card and get attacked by loose shards of glitter. They're going to wind up with glitter in their eye ball and be all "Thanks, Thanks a lot you bastards. I just spent CHRISTMAS in the fucking OPTOMETRISTS office getting GLITTER reMOVED from my fucking EYE! You A-holes!"



At that point, the sticker inside the cards that we put there to let everyone know that we made a donation to the school at which these cards were produced, by sweaty, crying, glue huffing, red-eyed-monster, glitter fiends isn't going to look so charitable.



Plus, glitters way dangerous. I'm not even sure why it's allowed in schools anymore. Isn't glitter like... a bunch of sparkly shards of flesh piercing glass that always finds it's way into every nook and cranny of your body? I've been seeing glittery beams of light out of my peripheral vision for 2 days now and I'm pretty sure my shit sparkles.

Sigh.

Tis the season.