Look Ma', No hands!

I like my purses how I like my men. Long and Black.

Just kidding.

I always find kick ass bags. Ones with funky patterns, Bitchin details, Tons of pockets, ect. But the shoulder straps are never long enough. I can't do the tote thing. Totes are useless. They either have to hang in the crease of my elbow, rendering one of my appendeges useless while making me walk around like a one armed retard. Or I have to try and force the straps up over my man shoulder, wedging my bag in between my ribs and arm making me look even more like a NFL linebacker.

My purses, just like my men, need to be able to stand the test of two things. Handle all my baggage and make me look cute. Is that too much to ask? I was browsing the world wide web trying to find my fantasy purse. I stumbled on a website that had Ump-teen different categories narrowing my search down dramatically. I could choose from such categories as : Fashionable, Feminine, Casual, Travel, ect. There is even : Skater, Preppy, Surfer, and VEGETARIAN.


Here's a category for you. How about : Badasshole handbags as cheap as your mom?!

That way if you're like me and get bored easily you can justify your next new purse purchase with the low price tag. My BFF Ernl-bear-panty-face works part time at a local clothing store. A while back I was perusing their billabong fall collection catalog and saw my fantasy purse. I didn't know how much they were, but I told her to order me one in every color.

After much time spent pestering Ernl-bear about where the fuck my new purses were, they finally came. Both of them. They're everything I could ever ask for and more. They're what I like to call, "Hands-free Handbags". Do you SEE how long the strap is?! Yeah, It's pretty much a sling to drape across my body, going under one arm and sitting comfortably on the other shoulder. That way it stays on me at all times and I have BOTH my appendeges freed to do whatever the fuck I want to do.




















I'm so glad I didn't break down and buy a handbag to hold me over until my fantasy purses arrived. Especially one of those uppety, over priced, ugly vegetarian-douche-handbags.

Those were ridiculous.

So, If you're out and about and see someone frolicking around, grabbing everything in the store with BOTH hands like a high crack whore, Thats me! Why? Because I can.