Douche-T-K.

ATK (douche hole located in the middle of Podunk) recently did layoffs. Shocker, I know. My husband was one of the casualties. I've fully completed the five stages of grief.

1.) Denial.
Me: You got cut, huh?
Brad: Yup.
Me: No, You're fucking kidding, right?!
Brad: Nope.
Me: No fucking way?!
Me: No, you're seriously joking!?! Right, RIGHT?!

2.) Anger
Me: What asshats! Atk can suck it. I hate that place.
Brad: Silence.
Me: Seriously, Atk can kiss my cellulite ridden ass! Fuck them! Who needs them, anyway?!
Brad: Silence.

3.) Bargaining
Me: How much do you think we could sell the house for?
Brad: Erica, You're being completely...
Me: What about the end tables!? They're good lookin' end tables, I bet we could sell those.
Brad: Silence.
Me: The DOGS! We paid damn good money for those two assholes, I bet we could at least get what we paid for them, AND no more buying dog food or paying for their shots!
Brad: Seriously, You're an idiot.

4.) Depression.

Please refer to the "Big bag of assholes" post or the "Amendment post"
Both equally delightful.

5.) Acceptance.
There isn't anything I can do about my husband being laid off. It's completely out of my control. However I'm not the type of girl to idly stand by in hopes that we really will be OK. From a very young age I learned that you need to take matters into your own hands and that it never hurts to have a game plan. With that said, I'm going back to Bar tending. I work some hellacious hours this week just to get re-trained, but I'm sure once this week is over my schedule will be manageable between both "day-time-big-girl-career" and moonlighting at the local pub.
Wish me luck.

Unemployment, You picked the wrong bitch to mess with.



Kisses!

Toddlers Vs. Dogs

Pets are fun. I personally enjoy dressing my dogs up in ridiculous outfits purely for my own entertainment. Relax PETA people, They like it. Trust me.















You can do the same thing with toddlers. Except, they cry.


Once we stopped forcing him, I mean, letting him rock his shirt "Beavis and Butthead" style, and put the headband around his noggin in a more socially acceptable way, he was all shits & giggles.

Relax DCFS. He likes it. Trust me.




















See, All better.

Amendment No. 1

I'd like to make an amendment to my previous post today.


It's more like,



FUCK MY LIFE.


Happy god damn Tuesday.

One big bag of assholes.

I'm finding myself in a terrible mood today. I'm feeling very impatient, frustrated, angry, bitter and extremely annoyed. My ass is chapped over approximately 7-29 different things ranging from completely shallow, silly, stupid, unimportant things I'm too embarrassed to admit because the second it leaves my mouth I'll want to punch MYSELF in the face, to things that are valid enough to have any girl throwing herself one hell of a self-pity party.

Boo-motherfuckin-hoo.

I'm off to go buy some Desitin.

Look Ma', No hands!

I like my purses how I like my men. Long and Black.

Just kidding.

I always find kick ass bags. Ones with funky patterns, Bitchin details, Tons of pockets, ect. But the shoulder straps are never long enough. I can't do the tote thing. Totes are useless. They either have to hang in the crease of my elbow, rendering one of my appendeges useless while making me walk around like a one armed retard. Or I have to try and force the straps up over my man shoulder, wedging my bag in between my ribs and arm making me look even more like a NFL linebacker.

My purses, just like my men, need to be able to stand the test of two things. Handle all my baggage and make me look cute. Is that too much to ask? I was browsing the world wide web trying to find my fantasy purse. I stumbled on a website that had Ump-teen different categories narrowing my search down dramatically. I could choose from such categories as : Fashionable, Feminine, Casual, Travel, ect. There is even : Skater, Preppy, Surfer, and VEGETARIAN.


Here's a category for you. How about : Badasshole handbags as cheap as your mom?!

That way if you're like me and get bored easily you can justify your next new purse purchase with the low price tag. My BFF Ernl-bear-panty-face works part time at a local clothing store. A while back I was perusing their billabong fall collection catalog and saw my fantasy purse. I didn't know how much they were, but I told her to order me one in every color.

After much time spent pestering Ernl-bear about where the fuck my new purses were, they finally came. Both of them. They're everything I could ever ask for and more. They're what I like to call, "Hands-free Handbags". Do you SEE how long the strap is?! Yeah, It's pretty much a sling to drape across my body, going under one arm and sitting comfortably on the other shoulder. That way it stays on me at all times and I have BOTH my appendeges freed to do whatever the fuck I want to do.




















I'm so glad I didn't break down and buy a handbag to hold me over until my fantasy purses arrived. Especially one of those uppety, over priced, ugly vegetarian-douche-handbags.

Those were ridiculous.

So, If you're out and about and see someone frolicking around, grabbing everything in the store with BOTH hands like a high crack whore, Thats me! Why? Because I can.

Stiffy

I have a friend. She answers to Li Li. No, her parents didn't lose a bet with god, forcing them to name her that. It's just what I like to call her. She always responds to it, So i think she likes it too. Lately Li Li and I have both been stressed. We're stressed over different things but at the end of the day we're both left feeling frazzled, run down and overwhelmed.

Yesterday Li Li asked if I'd like to get together at the local bar for a drink. I quickly responded to her with a "Shit yes!" Then I remembered I have a plethora of booze at my house and its totally socially acceptable to wear my Jammie's in the comfort of my own home. We moved our venue to my kitchen and enjoyed one anothers company along with a few stiff drinks.

Li Li also turned me on to Cookies & Cream Hershey Kisses and is probably going to hell for that.
I even took some of this devil candy into the shower with me. Have you ever taken a hot shower in the dark while eating Cookies & Cream Hershey Kisses?! If you haven't, It's something I'd highly recommend. It's like getting a warm and fuzzy hug all over your body. Yes, Even your naughty parts.

Don't judge.

Crazy Aunt.

You always hear stories about someones crazy aunt. I, Myself, Do not have any of these stories. My dad only has one sister and I've never really been very close to his side of the family. She's nice enough, Seems normal, Always has off the wall, funky shoes. It's safe to say I like her.


My mom only had one sister. She's pretty bad ass. I vaguely remember doing shit with her when I was younger, but it hasn't been until recently that we've gotten a lot closer. I realized we should have done this much sooner because she's totally rad. She accepts my vulgarity, totally bitchin' sarcastic attitude towards life, and she laughs at all my dry humor and dirty jokes. She even tried a sip of my beer one night at a girls sushi outing.


It never really occurred to me that I might be some one's aunt one day. I'm an only child. I don't have brothers or sisters to shit out kids to make me an aunt. Then I got married. Now I have 2 Brothers. I leave off the "In laws" Because they've truly proven to be the annoying little brothers I've always felt I've missed out on.


I remember meeting them for the very first time. I had primped, powdered and glossed for hours. It's normal to want your boyfriends brothers to think you're smokin' hot upon meeting you, right? Anywho, We all decided to go to dinner. We were all in the car for about 3 minutes when the youngest brother decided to rip the meanest, wettest, juiciest fart in the back seat. My eyes bunged out of my head and then I felt them start to burn due to the exposure of the hazardous waste gas that was fumigating the car at that moment. I sacrificed my perfectly primped hair for fresh air by riding with the windows down for a good 5-7 minutes.


They are my brothers.


The middle brother married a total Badass-Biatch last year. They popped out a child, hence making me an aunt. I've already self proclaimed me as the "Best Aunt Ever." I think they're OK with it. They let me have total V.I.A (Very important aunt) Privileges. Like, giving the little squirt his first lollipop! Yeah, I totally got to do that. I'm sure I'll be the one to give the tike his first beer too. I'm also pretty sure that I'll be the crazy aunt to all this kid's stories. I might even start pinching his cheeks now and continue to do so until he's 37.















Love you Rykee baby! - I'm not letting go of that mushy name either. He will be called Rykee baby until I die.

Sincerely,

Crazy Aunt Erica.

To answer the question of what the fuck is on my head, Yeah, It's totally Rykee Baby's pants.

Rock on.