DOOM.

Can I talk to you for a minute without you freaking out?

Oh my god, you got fired!?

No. It has nothing to do with my job.

You're having an affair!?

No. Erica, it has nothing to do with anything like that. Listen, what's your biggest fear?

Spiders.

K, but like, a REAL fear.

OK BRAD, Like poisonous arachnids that have the ability to kill humans isn't a REAL FEAR?! HELLO!?

*Sigh* OK. Spiders are terrifying. But, What's your biggest fear about our planet?

That we're all going to die by being struck by a fiery ball of impending doom?

OK. Don't freak out, I just want us to be prepared, But....

OH MY GOD. 2012 IS COMING EARLY AND WE'RE ALL DYING TONIGHT!?

Erica, just listen. No. We're not all dying. But there's a couple solar flares that are headed our way and I just think it's a good idea to be prepared in case we lose power or what not.

Here's my card. Go buy one of everything.
WAIT!
Before you go out to buy one of EVERYFUCKINGTHING we MAY need incase of death by fire ball, please map out exactly where you laid our sprinkling system in the back yard so I don't strike a pipe while I'm out there digging up a 20 foot hole to start construction on a concrete bunker.

We need a bunker with a oxygen supply.. How do we do that?
Steal enforced underground greenhouse?!
Buy first aide kits, a fuck load of toilet paper and lots of dog food for the dogs!
Do you want me to make you a list?
Oh my god, where are the dogs going to shit in the bunker?
We're gonna be living knee deep in dog shit eating cold pork and beans out of a can we had to open with arrowheads we made ourselves!

Never mind. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sure nothing will happen. Don't stress please.

What if this is our last meal together?! I need to start texting people to tell them how much I love them.

Well if this IS our last night together.... then we should totally go upstairs.

You just said you were sure nothing was going to happen!?
I'm way to panicked to go upstairs and bang right now, BRAD!
Plus all these mixed signals you're projecting are a total turn off.

Look, I gotta leave for school now. Please don't worry. Sleep tight. Love you.

SONOFABITCH.

The year of the Rabbit.

Last Thursday was the Chinese New Year. It's one of the worlds largest celebrations.

I personally couldn't think of anything more fitting than rocking jackass glasses, drinking Bourbon and making pies to commemorate the Chinese New Year.

Call us old fashioned but we like to keep things traditional.

I'm almost sure that's how it's done in China.

See! Dog!

I also created some of these little lovelys for Valentines day.

May the year of the Rabbit be wonderful for you all.

Stay tuned.

Things are happening people.

Potentially big things.

Or potentially really awful things that could result in me going down in a fiery, flaming ball of failure.

Either way it will be entertainment and I'm excited to share once I've got a grip on everything.

Until then, please stay tuned for some exciting news.

And NO, I am NOT pregnant.

For the sake of not saying fuck on facebook .....

If the last 4 hours are any indication of how 2011 is going to be for me, it's gonna be a rough road.
Approximately at the magical chime of midnight, debris from a silly string can landed directly IN MY EYE. Ironically enough, at the exact same time my hands were submerged in soapy dish water. Therefor relying on my fellow bartender who had been dealing with money, beer bottles and liquor to stick HER finger in MY eye to attempt to fish it out. Bad omen I tell you.
2011 was all down hill from there. The first four hours of the great new beginning were spent with A: being called ugly and mean by a toddler disguised in a adult man suit.
2: Having to physically mediate a series of 3 different fights between grown adult men.
C: chauffeuring 42 percent of our towns residents around town to make sure they arrived to their destinations DUI free, all while threatening them that if they puke in my car, I'm going to break their face...
5 allowing myself to completely snap, on the clock, to the tune of raising my voice and ranting so awesomely that I then had the attention of the entire bar.
and finally E: being pulled over by one of the states finest law enforcement officers at 4am on my way home from a very long night for a supposed brake light outage. I don't know who, or what I was in a past life, but I musta been a really fat douchey smelly asshat.... ooooor Jesus might be tired of me mocking him.... the verdict is still out on that one.
What I do know, is I should have never called 2010 the mother bitch of all years, because 2011 is a close relative with a vengeance and is out for fucking blood.

My ability to love small children seems to be increasing. Shhh... Don't tell anyone.

I remember your first few days here. Two Christmas's ago you were all bundled up in a white and red striped bundler-thingy with a matching beanie to boot. People went crazy shit all over you. Every one's eyes were zombiefied and drool was seeping out of their mouths while playing tug of war over this brand new bundle of joy. Which, is fine, if you're into that sort of thing. Personally, I could have taken or left you. I had a margarita that was bringing me way more joy than you that night. Now you turn the big 02 on Tuesday and it's your 3rd Christmas go around. You're saying words like "Santa, Nana, love you, Papa, Casey, Brad, watch and my personal favorite, the one you beller out non-stop: euh-cah! (Erica)". Which, in all honesty never gets old and couldn't melt my heart more. You've developed the cutest 2 year old personality I know. You're such a charmer. You've single handily wrapped me around your little finger. So, to my most favorite, adorable, ladies man, Happy Birthday little buddy. See you tonight! I'll bring the keg and we'll start working on words like "assclown, bastard, pudwhack and douche nozzle" Luh you.

and no, my new overpriced fancy phone can't fucking capitalize.

in case anyone is curious if its humanly possible to work 20 long, hard hours and then come home to take a hot shower while drinking a cold beer, then a shot of whiskey with half an ambien for a 3:00am snack and still wake up six, very short hours later and be kinda sorta coherent..... it is!

Zombies are really who's to blame.

Hey. Hello... It's me. I know it's been a while. You were all probably wondering if my blogging soul had died.
It did.
Kinda.
I don't have much time but I wanted to check in with ya'll. This blog has totally gone down the shitter. There's no one to blame but myself. I just don't have the time or energy anymore. Not to mention all my humor, wit and charm has totally been sucked out of me.
My big girl job has been stressful.
It's pretty much a fun hating, humor sucking zombie that pays you.
Which is OK. There's just been some casualties along the way.
I may be able to check in with you all more often now. I had to get a new phone because my old one got hit by a car. I'm pretty sure I can blog from it, so hopefully there will be more posts to come. Until then please enjoy this bulleted list of awesome key points that have happened over the last 97 days.

..................................................YEAH.
MY POINT EXACTLY. I CAN'T EVEN FINISH A POST.

Fuck.

Gotta go now. Sorry folks.