F*CK YOU HORMONES

My husband is a saint.
Each month I'm baffled he doesn't divorce my crazy ass.
Hormones are a bitch, AND coincidentally turn me into one too.

Last night we had a ..... small spat? if you will.

Over a ferret.

Yeah, you totally read that right.
A ferret.
A small, little furry, adorable as SHIT ferret.

A ferret that we don't even HAVE.

Me: (Eyes huge. Bright idea face. Totally excited) "BABE! We should get a ferret!"

Husband: (Totally unamused and rational) "Um. No. We shouldn't"

Me: (Slightly smaller eyes, still totally fucking jacked about my idea)
"Why not. Do you even KNOW how cute ferrets are?!"

Husband: "I knew I shouldn't have let you watch Meerkat manor on Animal Planet"

Me: "This is not about Meerkats, HUSBAND. It's about my needs! And my needs involve a ferret!"

Husband: "Sweetie...... NO."

Me: "Give me one good reason why not?!"

Husband: "Because I'll be the one who has to take care of it, just like I take care of the dogs."

Me: (Horns emerging, Talons extending, Hair standing up)---It was like the devil fucked Teen Wolf.
I take care of the dogs just as much as you do. NOTTOFUCKINGMENTION Everything ELSE in this whole entire world. You wanna get into that!? We can get into that!

Husband: "No. No. I don't want to get into anything. I'm just saying....."

Me: "Saying what, HUH?! That I'm a useless, fat slob who doesn't ever do anything and neglects my pets and you view me as an unfit mother who is a hoarder!?! Is THAT what you're saying because that's what I'm getting"

Husband: "Babe. I know you're on your period right now, and you're super crazy, so can we just talk about this in like... a week..?"

Me: "NO. AND PACK YOUR OWN LUNCHES FROM NOW ON!"

I stomped up the stairs, went in my bedroom and locked the door. I did my normal routine of face washing, zit popping, teeth brushing and moisturizing. I went to get into bed all to find the husband in MY room. The room I had LOCKED HIM OUT OF.

Me: "How do you keep getting in here everytime I lock you out"

Husband: (Wise ass smirk) It's a locked door in my own house, not Fort Knox.

Me: "Why are you even in here? We're fighting. And unless you have a ferret, I really don't want to talk to you"

Husband: leans over and in the most gentle loving way, kisses me on the forehead. "I love you sweetie"

Me: (Now bawling) I, I, I loooove you tooo--hooo-hoooo

Husband: "Why are you crying?"

Me: "I, I doooon't eveeeeen knooooow! I'm soooorrryyy... I lo, lo, love you soooo oh ooo much. I'm fucking crraahhh aayyyzzzy. I doooon't knooow whaaat's wrong with me."

Husband: (Holding back uncontrolable laughing) "Yeah. Sometimes you're a little challenging but that's why I love you."

Me: (Laughing and bawling at the same fucking time) "Yeah. We don't need a ferret. You were right"

Husband: "Glad that's cleared up. Sweet dreams"

Me: (Snot wipe) "You toooo oooo oooo"


Saint I tell you.