Over worked and under appreciated

For as long as I can remember I've always been very self conscious of my body. I remember being nine years old and having a plan to run around my block 10 times every day because I was sure it would be a whole mile and eat nothing but chicken breasts and tuna over the summer so that when I went back to school I'd be as skinny as all my other friends.

Middle school, Jr. High and High school I was always very careful as to what I ate. Once we all had our drivers licences we'd head to 7-11 for lunch and my girlfriends would get twix bars and Pepsi's. Me? A bottle of water.
I've never ever been able to eat carefree. I know the repercussions one plate of nachos has on my body. I work that one meal off for at least 3 days of intense training. Then I'm back to where I was pre-nacho-bad-decision night.

Lately I've stumbled upon a few weight related posts from some of my favorite bloggers. It's been very interesting to read all of the different aspects each woman faces when it comes to body issues. One self proclaimed plus sizer is embracing her curves and loving them. Another is super thin and stated she'd do anything to have a curvy body, or any kind of voluptuousness to yell I AM WOMAN!

Where do I stand? Teetering dangerously over the line of ungrateful and fucked up.
Nearly every morning I put my body through some fairly grueling workouts. I push myself to my limits and some mornings, even further. My mind is so determined to "Have the body I've always wanted" that I don't appreciate the one I have.

After a killer weight lifting session and a 5 Mile run, as I'm stripping down to get in the shower and catch a reflection of myself a look of disgust spreads over my face. Every morning.
But why?
Because I don't look how I feel like I should after working so hard?
Because legs that just ran 5 Miles shouldn't have dimples on them?
Or the stomach that can do crazy intense ab workouts shouldn't be rolly?

I need to learn respect for my body. I need to say "Thanks for the run, body. I really appreciate it. You did good work today. Please keep holding up"

I need to be at peace and appreciative of my body and not at war with it all the time.
My body is my number one enemy. Shouldn't it be the opposite?

From now on I'm going to try my hardest to stand proud that I'm physically able to do the things that I do. Weather I'm a size 10 or a size 6.
I'm tired of my body never being good enough for me. I'm not lowering my standards any, but I am changing my mind set.
As long as I can physically accomplish the tasks I set out for each and every day, I am good enough.
I don't know that a number 6 tag on the inside of my jeans would warrant happiness. Or anything different than a 10 would.

This morning I lifted on biceps. So was another guy in the gym. We were both on the same kind of bar, with the same exact weight on each end of our bars. I was intrigued with this so I started paying attention to how many reps he was doing. We were each doing 3 sets of 10. By the 3rd set he cranked out 6 and slammed his bar down. Me? I got all ten.

And THAT makes me feel more beautiful than a smaller size of jeans ever will.