And then there was this one time that I was having some female issues, and I thought I'd play doctor (not the dirty kind you played with the neighbor boy down the street) but like, the total self medicating kind (and not the kind you do with a bottle of bourbon after a really shitty day).
I found some expired hormone pills in my bathroom medicine cabinet. I thought I remembered my doctor telling me that if I started to experience problems that we could always fix those problems with progesterone. Well, I just so happened to have some. It was expired, but wasn't growing mold or anything. I took ONE pill. One.
The next morning I woke up one crazy(ier) bitch.
I had my nieces Birthday party to get to and the boys were on their way. I hustled to get ready in the mist of my emotional roller coaster and sweat spells. The boys were running ahead of schedule to pick me up. We needed to leave early to have enough time to buy fireworks and beer.
I tried on seven different outfits. I looked like a chubby sweaty line backer in just about everything I tried on. I finally settled on something black and flowey.
In a rush to get my hair done, I gave the boys a brief explanation that "I'd only be a few more minutes" and "I was sorry, it had just been a weird morning."
Half way through poofing my hair I heard "Erica, why has your morning been so weird?" I walked out with my hair balled up and ratted, looked at my boys sitting on the couch wondering what the hell was up with me, and started to explain in what can only be described as a sobbing-slobbery-sweaty-fit.
*Quakey high pitched voice, going octives higher each scentance and ugly-cry-face emerging**
I just, I'm an idiot. To spare you guys the details, I was having some girl problems and I remembered my doctor said I could fix it with this one hormone and I found some in my medicine cabinet that was expired, but I thought hey no big deal, So i took one... and then this morning I wake up all crampy and angry with fucking everyone and bloated and I don't feel cute and I can't wear any of my clothes because nothing fits and I can't quit sweating and I could seriously just cry at the drop of a hat!
They both just stared at me with their mouths wide open. Then they laughed. Then they started saying random words like "Banana" and "Dolphin" and "Baseball bat" because they were playing the game "Words that will make Erica cry"
I'm pretty sure I've been driving everyone around me, including myself right up the wall. My co-worker asked if everything was OK and what the loud popping noise in my office was and I had to explain that I had hit a wall. Both legitimately and figuratively.
I don't know if it's that I've been on my fucking period for 3 weeks now, or I'm stressed about leaving both my dogs and jobs and regularly scheduled life to trot off to Alaska for TEN DAYS with nothing but a carry on, or spending my birthday on a chartered fishing boat hopefully catching fish and NOT vomiting into the sea for 15 hours, or that I'll be away from all my friends on my birthday, or trying to plan my first ever
I feel. Super. Super panicky.
Things may be winding down however. Last night I was googling "lip gloss" right before bed. That is one sure small sign of normalcy.
I fucking hope.
