Major League.

After nearly six years of marriage, I think I'm finally ready to dub myself a pro.

It all started when I told the husband that he should not think of doing the dishes as a chore, but as a grown up version of Tetris.

Look at all the different shapes and sizes of the dishes. See how they all need to fit inside this square box? Now use your bestest most efficient strategy to stack them and if they all get clean, it's like ONE MILLION POINTS!


Next it was conquering healthy eating. The husband refuses to eat vegetables. Especially green ones. But it's proven that dark leafy greens help fight against prostate and colon cancer. I found that 2 cups of spinach, mushrooms, onions and garlic put through the food processor can easily be disguised in spaghetti sauce. Eat up my precious. It's for the sake of your balls. You'll thank me later.

The most recent, and dub-worthy event took place last week. I had gone grocery shopping and the husband had stayed a little late at work. We were bound to get home right around the same time. I pulled in the garage with my grocery haul. I'd been sick. I was tired. Grocery shopping is the devil it's self. And then it hit me:

Leave garage door open. Pop up rear hatch window, exposing all of the many bags of groceries in the back of my SUV that need to be hauled in. Take one sack inside. Place on counter. Pour glass of wine. Partake of said wine and wait.

Whala!

Husband walks in 4 minutes later and says "It looks like you still have quite a bit of groceries left to bring in. I'll grab them for you."

And that ladies and gents is how I graduated to the big leagues.

DOOM.

Can I talk to you for a minute without you freaking out?

Oh my god, you got fired!?

No. It has nothing to do with my job.

You're having an affair!?

No. Erica, it has nothing to do with anything like that. Listen, what's your biggest fear?

Spiders.

K, but like, a REAL fear.

OK BRAD, Like poisonous arachnids that have the ability to kill humans isn't a REAL FEAR?! HELLO!?

*Sigh* OK. Spiders are terrifying. But, What's your biggest fear about our planet?

That we're all going to die by being struck by a fiery ball of impending doom?

OK. Don't freak out, I just want us to be prepared, But....

OH MY GOD. 2012 IS COMING EARLY AND WE'RE ALL DYING TONIGHT!?

Erica, just listen. No. We're not all dying. But there's a couple solar flares that are headed our way and I just think it's a good idea to be prepared in case we lose power or what not.

Here's my card. Go buy one of everything.
WAIT!
Before you go out to buy one of EVERYFUCKINGTHING we MAY need incase of death by fire ball, please map out exactly where you laid our sprinkling system in the back yard so I don't strike a pipe while I'm out there digging up a 20 foot hole to start construction on a concrete bunker.

We need a bunker with a oxygen supply.. How do we do that?
Steal enforced underground greenhouse?!
Buy first aide kits, a fuck load of toilet paper and lots of dog food for the dogs!
Do you want me to make you a list?
Oh my god, where are the dogs going to shit in the bunker?
We're gonna be living knee deep in dog shit eating cold pork and beans out of a can we had to open with arrowheads we made ourselves!

Never mind. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sure nothing will happen. Don't stress please.

What if this is our last meal together?! I need to start texting people to tell them how much I love them.

Well if this IS our last night together.... then we should totally go upstairs.

You just said you were sure nothing was going to happen!?
I'm way to panicked to go upstairs and bang right now, BRAD!
Plus all these mixed signals you're projecting are a total turn off.

Look, I gotta leave for school now. Please don't worry. Sleep tight. Love you.

SONOFABITCH.

The year of the Rabbit.

Last Thursday was the Chinese New Year. It's one of the worlds largest celebrations.

I personally couldn't think of anything more fitting than rocking jackass glasses, drinking Bourbon and making pies to commemorate the Chinese New Year.

Call us old fashioned but we like to keep things traditional.

I'm almost sure that's how it's done in China.

See! Dog!

I also created some of these little lovelys for Valentines day.

May the year of the Rabbit be wonderful for you all.

Stay tuned.

Things are happening people.

Potentially big things.

Or potentially really awful things that could result in me going down in a fiery, flaming ball of failure.

Either way it will be entertainment and I'm excited to share once I've got a grip on everything.

Until then, please stay tuned for some exciting news.

And NO, I am NOT pregnant.